How not to buy a fence panel and get it home

Last Saturday we had an event in our garden. Namely a baby shower for my grandchild. The weather was sunny and warm so we decided to spill over into the garden. The day went well, loads of people and presents for the baby and all passed without to much trouble.

The next morning me and the hubby went and sat in the garden around the patio set, I said I could smell burning. We thought is was a barbie being lit in a garden down the road. I decided that the dog could do with a walk so off I trotted to the local park.

When I returned home through the back gate there was a blackened fence panel, when I looked closer it had burnt away along with the trestle attached to the top. Oh no, the neighbour had proudly shown his new fences off the day before. He had spent the day spraying them with brown fence paint. We had oohd and aahd about his handiwork. Now I was looking at a black charred mess.

According to hubs a fag but had rolled under the kick board and set the fence on fire. A neighbour had alerted him and he had managed to throw copious amounts of water at it to put it out

Now the next door neighbour can be a bit tetchy at times and I didn't really want to be there when he saw the mess. I decided to go in doors and stay there for the rest of the day. Also he is an anti smoker and is always having a pop at us having a smoke in the garden.

He did take the news really well, especially when we told him we would be replacing it the next day. Obviously it wouldn't go in a car so my daughter phoned her boyfriend to borrow his works van. Being a really nice guy he offered to go and buy it and transport it home. All was going OK or so I thought.

About an hour later the boyfriend phoned to say that he couldn't find a fence panel 4ft by 6ft for love nor money. Everywhere was sold out. How could this be, there was always fence panels in garden centres. I though he was sorry he said he would help and just made it up.

I then searched the Internet and still couldn't find any store with any in stock. It was a conspiracy against me. It had to be, but never daunted the next day I roamed around every fencing company and DIY store to find one. No luck, except that I met a friend who told me that there is a shortage of the raw materials to make the panels. Apparently when they are arriving at Tilbury Docks they are auctioned on the dock side to the highest bidder. Things were getting worse and so was the neighbours mood.

A week later we started our search again, me and the hubby and luck was with us, we found a broken panel at the local garden centre. We haggled the price and brought it for eight quid. What a bargain, and the trestle that we needed as well. We brought it, why not it was a bargain, and I love a bargain. Unfortunately I forgot that I would not fit into the car. My other half kept trying to talk to me but I was on a mission. Eventually I listened to his whining and thought he might have a point. I asked the assistant how much to have it delivered and she said £15.00.
What? I was not willing to pay that for a broken piece of fence panel to be delivered.

We would get it home on the roof of the car. 'We've got no rope' said hubs, but ahha I was at a garden centre and could buy some. ' It will scratch the paint work' he said, but I had an idea, remove the parcel shelf, put it on the roof of the car, lay the fence panel over it, and then tie it to the chassis of the car via the windows. I was so proud of myself so off I went to get the rope, but there was none, only garden twine. That would do, so I brought it. I proudly produced the twine to my hubs who was still whining on about his car getting scratched,

We loaded the panel onto the top of the car and put the trellis in the boot and rested it between the front seat, and the gear stick. We busily threaded the twine through the windows, round the car Ariel, over the wing mirrors, around the tow bar. It was a bit wobbly but hey it would get us home. I did notice a few people beginning to look at us, and thought we must of resemble Mr. Mrs Bean. We carried on oblivious to the fact the we has become the main attraction in the car park. 'Come on then' he said so we went to open the doors and get in the car. Guess what the doors were tied up via the windows and we couldn't open them. I then began to be aware of the attention we were drawing from passersby. A couple of boy racers pulled up beside us in the car park. I could see them laughing and shouted 'They want fifteen quid to deliver this, bloody cheek don't you think.' You know yourself when you are approached by someone who is a bit odd, and I think he thought I was one of those people.

By now we were unthreading all of the twine so as we could get in the car and drive home. I could feel my face going red, and started to giggle, you know the one, when you are becoming more and more mortified by the situation you are in. The boy racers were by now laughing and giggling so much that they wound up their windows, so as they didn't have to talk to me anymore. Hubs kept saying 'I need scissors'. 'Oh wait a minute I'll magic some for thin air shall I'
'Break it, break it' I hissed at him. My humour was now darkening and I was beginning to lose it a bit. 'How' he said, 'With your teeth' I said, it was beginning to sound like that song about a hole in my bucket.

Finally we did it, but then had to secure the fence panel again. This time without using the window frames. We wound it around and around, over and under, it was now very wobbly and I couldn't see how we could drive home like that, but I would of carried it just to get out of the car park.

Right back to getting in the car. Oh no hubs had not cleared the twine from his window, so he had to climb in over the passenger seat to get into the drivers seat. But guess what the bloody garden trellis was in the way. I really wanted the ground to open up at this point. We had a crowd gathering. Kids pointing and laughing from their push chairs, parent sniggering into their tissues, even the staff had started to come out of the store to see what was going on.

I could feel my heart beginning to pound, and I knew my face was as red as a swan vesta. I could feel my temper rising, and guess who got the brunt of it? yep hubs. I could see him twisting and turning, swivelling his hips, bending his legs, slithering around in the front of the car. He is thin, so can bend, but I never thought he was going to make it into the drivers seat. 'For gods sake hurry up will you, everybody is looking.' 'Shut your mouth' he said. Doesn't a crowd love a finale. I began to laugh, the sort of, stretched gurning laugh that is very false. I was joining in with our spectators. I had to, to save face, I wanted to die.

He was in, sitting there with the engine running. I got in and he started to drive, HOLD THE FENCE' he screamed at me. The wind had got under it and it was about to take a flying leap off the roof. Fortunately the window was open so I managed to hold it down. He had to do the same from the drivers seat, hand out holding onto the fence panel. 'We can't do this we'll get pulled over by the police' I said, 'nah don't worry just hold on to it'. Now I am not the fittest person in the world and have not used my arm muscles for a few years. It was absolute agony, my hand was covered in splinters, I had to use every bit of strength I had and after a couple of minutes I could feel my strength waining. 'Pull over, pull over' Of course he didn't and carried on driving at a warp speed of 20 miles per hour. I think we must of caused a major traffic jam in West London. Every inch of that journey seemed like a life time. 'Its the police look look' It was an ambulance, phew. Eventually we arrived home with our precious load. 'I need scissors' hubs said. I could of knifed him with them, but I smiled sweetly and went in the house and brought him some out. Once he gets a bee in his bonnet???

We loaded the fence panel off the car and into the back garden. The neighbour was there, digging his precious garden. I thought he might of made a comment, like 'Oh great glad you got one' but no he just carried on digging his flower beds. Did he know what we had been through to get that dam fence panel.

Drama over, fence panel safely resting against a wall, I decided it was time to put the washing out to dry. Horror of horrors, my fence panel was torn to shreds. Where was that dog, where was he. Yep you guessed hiding because he had shredded it.

Now I don't consider myself to be a mean person, but when hubs said ' All for fifteen quid, you did all of this to save fifteen quid' I did wince just a little bit.